Article by Sue Atkins
They’re back! The boomer generation are increasingly coping with boomerang kids! Most parents assume their children will fly the nest, but what if they leave home and later come back? Parenting expert Sue Atkins explores and gives her tips for coping with Boomerang Kids.
There’s a new word out on the street called the “boomerang kids” – children who return to their parents’ home in adulthood and remain there into their 20s or even 30s !!!
According to a leading charity Parentline Plus they are putting enormous strain on family relations.
Student debt, the housing shortage and a general lengthening of adolescence (itself a result of growing life expectancy), are all contributing to the well-documented phenomenon of boomerang kids.
Young adults still living with their parents are frequently said to be suffering from the “failure to launch” syndrome but now with the credit crunch really taking hold of family life throughout the world, young adults are returning home as they can’t afford to buy or rent their own home.
The problem isn’t just that they treat the family home like a free hotel, like they did as teenagers, but it is also that many of them refuse to accept that their lifestyles really clash, grate and jar horribly with their parents.
Parents who felt the hard work of bringing up their kids was behind them are now facing extra money worries and stress and, at worst, physical and verbal aggression from their adult children, often fuelled by alcohol and drug abuse.
The charity Parentline Plus is now so concerned about the number of calls it is receiving on this issue that it is drawing up a self-help guide for parents in this position.
One caller told the charity’s free, 24-hour helpline: “I’m not sure what my role is with my son now. As a mother I feel very insecure at this point. This is a transition and difficult for me as a parent to adjust to this new relationship.”
Another said: “Our home became a war ground of constant arguments about alcohol misuse, bad language and lack of respect for us and our home by our son.”
In a report entitled Will They Ever Fly The Nest?, the charity calls for more support for parents of young adults to assert what authority they have, especially where adult children are violent or misuse drugs.
The problem is a very real one as there is an assumption built into government policy and social norms that young people magically became trouble-free and responsible as soon as they reach adulthood but the reality could not be more different.
I think it’s helpful for you as parents to have more information about issues such as housing benefits, grants and training and for you to gently start coaching your kids into looking at ways to get round, over or through this hurdle facing them.
Here are some practical ideas to help cope with Boomerang Kids!
• Remember It’s your house – and your rules
• Insist that your kids make a financial contribution – as this teaches them to respect you, as well as themselves and puts the relationship on a much better footing so resentment doesn’t build up.
• Draw up an agreement on chores around the house and the basic house rules, then stick to them
• Don’t wait upon them hand and foot! Just ask yourself what are they learning if you do?
• Don’t treat them like teenagers and don’t try to control them
• Accept that you have to go through a transition in behaviour with adult children
• Ensure that both of you as parents are on the same side. If your partner expects a woman to do all the chores, the adult child will too as you are still being a role model to your kids no matter how old they are.
• If their behaviour upsets you, speak to them – work out compromises, solutions and ways forward. Don’t let resentment, anger and arguments build up
• Insist that they tell you if they are not coming home at night and explain why you need to know. (Peace of mind, security so you can lock the door etc)
• Be prepared to say: “I love you, but not your behaviour” just as you did when they were younger kids
• Remind them that this is your house. If they don’t like your rules, they must leave.
• Set boundaries – be firm, fair, consistent and respectful and of course, helpful and look at ways to move this situation forward long term
This is a great article on a subject that I have encountered several times in my psychotherapy practice from both points of view. I like your practical tips for parents. The adult kids need to hear this too. I shared your article on Twitter and on my blog explorewhatsnext.com.
Hi, I’m having the problems you wrote about in your artical, My sons have had a hard time since I devorced but I never expected this treatment, my life is a living hell and I blame them for some of the reasons my past relastionship has failed. My younger son lives with me, my older son lives with my mother who is 78. Both returned back to live at my mothers house,as I haven’t the room at my home for both of them. My older son who is now 27 moved in with my mom after a flat mate left my son to pay for rent on his own, he’s been their on and off for three years my younger son who’s nearly 26 asked to move in with me after a relastionship breakup a year ago and has a young son nearly three, but went to my moms to ask her first because she is a bit soft and has a bigger house, I let my younger son move into my house so he would have a place for his son to visit him. They both treat my mother and I like dirt not paying their way and drinking and being very bossy and threatening. My mom and I have been very supportive to both my sons but they just carry on acting like unruly teenagers. They wont pay anything for their up keep, to me and mom but go out getting drunk and having a whale of a time.,My mom waits on my elder son hand and foot they have informed both my mother and I they have booked a holiday abroad and laugh in our faces. It’s making my mother and I very ill. My ex husband doesn’t want to know as his wife won’t have them in their house because of their behaviour and he is worried that he may be left alone so wont even come near. So mom and I are totally alone in all this. I even went to the Housing people for help but they wont give them any points as they say they are in housing, My mom won’t evit my older son but moans and is becoming ill. We have both asked them to leave our homes but they just laugh and carry on ruling and abusing. We love them but don’t like their behaviour, It’s making our lives hell but I feel better that I’m not alone. Thanks for this advise but I have tried all you suggest with just abuse back, what can I do?
Thank Heavens for Sue I now know what are boomerang kids. Wonder if you can offer me any support with the following I’m not coping and still reeling in hurt.
I’ve been day mother to my 15 month old grandson for the last year. He also sleeps over weekends when required. I absolutely adore him.
To my horror it was brought to my attention my daughter who is an only child has been posting all sorts about me and my husband on facebook. Saying we deny her the rights as a mother etc which is totally untrue. The comments made by her FB friends who she does not know personally is alarming. Then on Sunday morning after he had slept here she told us not to bring him home until she had showered. We innocently carried out this instruction but to our horror found out she had posted on facebook we were refusing to return her child. When we confronted her she changed her name on facebook and has now told us she wants nothing more to do with us and my grandson is to be placed in a day school.
Hi Sue
It’s all about your confidence. Get clear about some of the things that are acceptable to you, and clear on what isn’t acceptable to you, expect respect and make sure you get plenty of nurturing “me” time to build back your confidence. It’s not OK for mature kids to treat you poorly. It may take time for you to insist on some boundaries and perhaps you could give them a deadline when you want them to take responsibility for mooving out. It may be they have become used to you not asserting your views and have become used to acting in old patterns – but get grounded, get clarity, have a few basic house rules that are non negotiable and see how you get on.
Hope that helps
Sue Atkins
Author of The Parenting Made Easy CDs and iphone app
Hello Thelma
This must be very distressing for you – Facebook has a LOT to answer for hasn’t it sometimes ? Take some time to take your daughter out for lunch on your own so you can really find out what’s going on and have a proper conversation with her about what’s the underlying issue here without any interruptions. Be confident and go with the intention of building bridges not walls between you both. Communication gives clarity and ways forward.
Hope this helps
Sue Atkins
Author of The Parenting Made Easy CDs and iphone app
Thanks Sue! Will try to do just that but she is a very strong willed person. My UK friend who has known my daughter since a little girl says “she abuses and walks all over me” and I mustnt allow it. Very confusing but I desperately need to keep the family intact.
The strange part is she isn’t a young person she will be 33 shortly